Tomorrow is a collaborative day for the Achievement School District so that means no students tomorrow! This is a good thing because it gives me more time to work on ways to make my classroom more fun, interactive, engaging, exciting, and enjoyable (for both the scholars AND me!).
This past week was long and short. It had its moments of joy and hope where I saw the possibilities of one day... One day driving home I was singing along to the radio in my loudest voice, actually smiling! But this week also had its moments of pure frustration... After dropping my scholars off to an activity right near the end of school on a particularly hair-pulling day, I walked into a colleague's classroom and broke down. After I vented for a while, she offered to pick up my scholars from their activity for me and bring them to dismissal. When I arrived at dismissal to snag my kiddos from her, she told me she didn't find them where they were supposed to be. I immediately flew into a panic wondering where my 23 precious babies could be - I rushed crazy-eyed around the loop that makes up the halls of our school. "Have you seen my class?" "All of them?...!" "YUP." "...Um, no..." After making a full loop of the school and not seeing them anywhere, I rushed into the dismissal area to check in with my fellow kindergarten teachers to see if they new anything about my 23 missing students. Low and behold, my students were all seating in the correct areas for dismissal. I took a huge breath. I hadn't realized until then that I had been holding my breath. One of the kindergarten teachers informed me that the Dean of Lower Academy had seen my class in the hallways (the activity instructor didn't realize I would go to him to pick up my kids and so he was trying to bring them to me...) and just took them to the proper place. This situation made it very apparent to me that even though my scholars drive me absolutely insane and bring me to my breaking point nearly every day, I really do love and care for them in a deep way.
Because I care for them, but also because they are getting under my skin with their disrespect (this will be an ongoing project for a while...), my scholars came into a mostly bare classroom on Friday of this week. I decided that until my students learn to respect our things in the classroom, they will not be allowed to use them. For example, crayons are off limits for now and will be slowly re-introduced after I had to clean up crayons strewn all across my room after repeatedly raising my voice to get them to stop chucking them across the room. And I've already had two of my letter stamps stolen so that any word that has a capital "Q" or "S" is impossible to spell using the stamps. Last week we had a whole day centered on respecting ourselves, respecting others and respecting our classroom/school but I think they need to now understand that things in the classroom are a privilege and not a right. It is challenging to be responsible for teaching my students these important life lessons but it is very necessary to their success and my sanity.
Despite the challenges of this week, it is another week under my belt and each week that I make it through gives me a little more hope that I will continue to survive.
My task now is to make sure I am truly being joyful in my interactions with my students because my attitude sets the atmosphere for my classroom. I am struggling to find the right balance between being no-nonsense and being sweet and fun but I know that if I keep trying, I will get it right. I know it's okay to make mistakes as long as I learn from them (this is something I tell my students all the time..."Ms. Rossi doesn't want you to be perfect, I just want you to try your best!") but it's scary knowing that if I don't get it right, my students can and will suffer. I just need to look at it as an extra nudge of motivation to constantly be improving and finding new ways to reach and teach my wonderful, crazy students. But then there's that tricky balance between improving my teaching/polishing my lesson plans/feeling prepared and getting enough sleep... I tend to favor the direction of getting very little sleep each night and I know that I will not be able to sustain that choice for too long before I completely burn out. My goal is to get to the point where I can at least have the option of being in bed by 10pm! One day I'll write this reflective post before Midnight on Sunday... One day... just not today.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
The sun is starting to peak over the horizon...
It's the eve of the first day of the 3rd week of school and I'm feeling quiet a bit better than I felt a week ago. Don't get me wrong, last week was a struggle, but it was better than the last week. On Thursday, I became so frustrated that I had to step out of my classroom to cry for a moment while a Pre-K teacher took over for 5 minutes. Needless to say, my birthday was fairly rotten [except for when my lovely boyfriend surprised me with a home-make chocolate fudge cake complete with 22 pink candles :)]. So Thursday night I thought through how I wanted, how I needed, to change things.
Then came Friday.
Friday was great. Not perfect. But MUCH MUCH better. The kids were more in control, I was more in control of my class. I changed my tone and my approach and that made a HUGE different. The atmosphere of my classroom was more fun and light. I didn't feel as though I was a dictator of my classroom, I felt like the teacher. More of my students were sent to 'take a break' in the hallway, but that allowed me to teach the rest of the students for more time. I was able to spend more time instructing because I didn't spend as much time correcting student behaviors.
It is super late now and I need to rest my head but I needed to take a moment and reflect on my second week. I hope that tomorrow and the rest of the week goes as well as Friday did. Although I am knee deep in lesson planning (the reason I'm up so late on a Sunday), I am ready, and excited, to go back to school. I had more joy on Friday and my students noticed. My goal now is to above all, always enter school and my classroom with a joyful attitude.
Then came Friday.
Friday was great. Not perfect. But MUCH MUCH better. The kids were more in control, I was more in control of my class. I changed my tone and my approach and that made a HUGE different. The atmosphere of my classroom was more fun and light. I didn't feel as though I was a dictator of my classroom, I felt like the teacher. More of my students were sent to 'take a break' in the hallway, but that allowed me to teach the rest of the students for more time. I was able to spend more time instructing because I didn't spend as much time correcting student behaviors.
It is super late now and I need to rest my head but I needed to take a moment and reflect on my second week. I hope that tomorrow and the rest of the week goes as well as Friday did. Although I am knee deep in lesson planning (the reason I'm up so late on a Sunday), I am ready, and excited, to go back to school. I had more joy on Friday and my students noticed. My goal now is to above all, always enter school and my classroom with a joyful attitude.
Monday, August 12, 2013
It's week one and I wanna quit
It's currently 12:38AM on Sunday in Memphis, Tennessee and my 5:15AM wake up time is fast approaching for the first day of the second week of school. However, I wanted...no scratch that...needed, to take a moment to reflect on my first week of teaching before my second week has a chance to begin.
I had been preparing for this day for nearly 4 years, and more specifically and deliberately for the past month. I spend countless hours in college classrooms, late nights writing lesson plans, grading tests, and preparing activities, and hours upon hours in the role of teacher, all practicing for the day when I would stand at the front of the room and teach MY class. My very own class, not someone else's, not one I shared, MINE. In the weeks after I moved to Memphis, I was finally able to see my school and my classroom. I spend a solid week prepping and preparing my classroom so that it would be ready and perfect for my students. In the final days and hours leading up to Monday August 5th, I pumped myself up and finalized my lesson plans. Sunday night I laid out my 'first day of school' outfit and could hardly sleep all night. The drive in to school on Monday morning, I was full of jitters and when I arrived at school with my final armload of things, there were already students waiting out front in their uniforms. By 7:30AM when the doors to the cafeteria opened and students started trickling in for breakfast, I was ready.
...At least I thought I was.
A few kindergartners were already crying but some were seated quietly, looking around the cafeteria with big eyes. When it was finally time to move from the cafeteria to class, my fellow kindergarten teachers and I moved our class into the hallway, criers and all, with many of the parents in tow. As I called out the names on my roster to the 60 some odd 5 year olds, it really sunk in that I had my own class, that I was on my own. After I had my students in a 'line' (5 year olds really don't know how to make a straight line...heck, some even don't know there own name, as evidenced by the fact that a good 3 students were brought to my room later on because they didn't step out of line when they heard their name.), I led them into my room.
Monday went by in a blur. It was simultaneously the fastest and slowest 6 hours ever. I felt like we had hardly gotten through anything, but at the same time I was utterly exhausted and felt as though I had been with them for 12 hours. I spend my time re-directing students, picking students up off the floor, giving students' directions, reminding students how to sit at their tables, re-explaining the directions 5 times, correcting student behavior constantly, comforting crying students, teaching students procedures for the bathroom, raising their hand, walking in the hallway, moving in the classroom, and teaching students why we don't hit other students or throw crayons, or pick at the rug. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday all passed in a similar fashion. Each day as I left school, I felt beaten down and wanted nothing more than to curl up and fall asleep. I got to know my students more as each day passed, and some parts of the day, mainly breakfast and knowing their names, got easier, but the rest stayed hard, very hard. Each day, at LEAST 15 times a day, I thought to myself, "I can't do this." "There's no way I can make it to 2:00..." "I'm not coming back tomorrow. I'm gonna quit." "I was crazy to think I could do this." "Wow. I must really suck." "All I want to do is cry." And just about every day as I drove home, I cried. Cried because I was frustrated, because I was tired, because it just plain sucked. It was harder than I had ever thought it could be. I felt like I had nothing left by the time I got home but I had to plan and prepare for the next day. And on top of all of that, I had Physical Therapy appointments twice a week.
Last week was the hardest, most exhausting, most draining, most back-breaking week of my life. Saturday I slept in until the late afternoon and woke up unmotivated and still exhausted. Driving back from Mass today, Sunday, I called my boyfriend and cried, telling him that I didn't want to go back to school on Monday. I just didn't want to face the feeling of draining defeat, extreme frustration, and enormous exhaustion for another long week. He reminded me that I am bringing a lot to the table, but I felt so defeated that I responded, "what if what I have to offer sucks?" And I honestly thought that.
There is no way to truly describe or explain the huge heartache and headache that was my first week of teaching. To feel like I was useless and to fight frustration for 6 hours straight every day left me feeling dejected and emptied of all fire. I wish I could tell you that I am ready and excited for next week, but I can't honestly say that I'm there yet. But ready or not, the second week is here. Ready or not, I am the teacher of 21 kindergartners. So, whether I feel it or not, I must be ready. For the love of my students I will wake up tomorrow. For the love of my students, I will fight my frustration and exhaustion. For the love of my students, I will re-en-kindle a fire within me whenever it threatens to go out. For the love of my students, I will work tirelessly each night to find a way to reach them, each and every last one of them. For the love of my students, I will smile when the only thing I want to do is cry. For the love of my students, I will teach. Each and every morning I will wake up and I will teach, all for the love of my students.
I had been preparing for this day for nearly 4 years, and more specifically and deliberately for the past month. I spend countless hours in college classrooms, late nights writing lesson plans, grading tests, and preparing activities, and hours upon hours in the role of teacher, all practicing for the day when I would stand at the front of the room and teach MY class. My very own class, not someone else's, not one I shared, MINE. In the weeks after I moved to Memphis, I was finally able to see my school and my classroom. I spend a solid week prepping and preparing my classroom so that it would be ready and perfect for my students. In the final days and hours leading up to Monday August 5th, I pumped myself up and finalized my lesson plans. Sunday night I laid out my 'first day of school' outfit and could hardly sleep all night. The drive in to school on Monday morning, I was full of jitters and when I arrived at school with my final armload of things, there were already students waiting out front in their uniforms. By 7:30AM when the doors to the cafeteria opened and students started trickling in for breakfast, I was ready.
...At least I thought I was.
A few kindergartners were already crying but some were seated quietly, looking around the cafeteria with big eyes. When it was finally time to move from the cafeteria to class, my fellow kindergarten teachers and I moved our class into the hallway, criers and all, with many of the parents in tow. As I called out the names on my roster to the 60 some odd 5 year olds, it really sunk in that I had my own class, that I was on my own. After I had my students in a 'line' (5 year olds really don't know how to make a straight line...heck, some even don't know there own name, as evidenced by the fact that a good 3 students were brought to my room later on because they didn't step out of line when they heard their name.), I led them into my room.
Monday went by in a blur. It was simultaneously the fastest and slowest 6 hours ever. I felt like we had hardly gotten through anything, but at the same time I was utterly exhausted and felt as though I had been with them for 12 hours. I spend my time re-directing students, picking students up off the floor, giving students' directions, reminding students how to sit at their tables, re-explaining the directions 5 times, correcting student behavior constantly, comforting crying students, teaching students procedures for the bathroom, raising their hand, walking in the hallway, moving in the classroom, and teaching students why we don't hit other students or throw crayons, or pick at the rug. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday all passed in a similar fashion. Each day as I left school, I felt beaten down and wanted nothing more than to curl up and fall asleep. I got to know my students more as each day passed, and some parts of the day, mainly breakfast and knowing their names, got easier, but the rest stayed hard, very hard. Each day, at LEAST 15 times a day, I thought to myself, "I can't do this." "There's no way I can make it to 2:00..." "I'm not coming back tomorrow. I'm gonna quit." "I was crazy to think I could do this." "Wow. I must really suck." "All I want to do is cry." And just about every day as I drove home, I cried. Cried because I was frustrated, because I was tired, because it just plain sucked. It was harder than I had ever thought it could be. I felt like I had nothing left by the time I got home but I had to plan and prepare for the next day. And on top of all of that, I had Physical Therapy appointments twice a week.
Last week was the hardest, most exhausting, most draining, most back-breaking week of my life. Saturday I slept in until the late afternoon and woke up unmotivated and still exhausted. Driving back from Mass today, Sunday, I called my boyfriend and cried, telling him that I didn't want to go back to school on Monday. I just didn't want to face the feeling of draining defeat, extreme frustration, and enormous exhaustion for another long week. He reminded me that I am bringing a lot to the table, but I felt so defeated that I responded, "what if what I have to offer sucks?" And I honestly thought that.
There is no way to truly describe or explain the huge heartache and headache that was my first week of teaching. To feel like I was useless and to fight frustration for 6 hours straight every day left me feeling dejected and emptied of all fire. I wish I could tell you that I am ready and excited for next week, but I can't honestly say that I'm there yet. But ready or not, the second week is here. Ready or not, I am the teacher of 21 kindergartners. So, whether I feel it or not, I must be ready. For the love of my students I will wake up tomorrow. For the love of my students, I will fight my frustration and exhaustion. For the love of my students, I will re-en-kindle a fire within me whenever it threatens to go out. For the love of my students, I will work tirelessly each night to find a way to reach them, each and every last one of them. For the love of my students, I will smile when the only thing I want to do is cry. For the love of my students, I will teach. Each and every morning I will wake up and I will teach, all for the love of my students.
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