100 days (and nights!)

It's been forever since I posted and given the nature of my last few posts, one could assume that I didn't make it out of those first few weeks alive. But I did. Things have gotten much better, which is not to say that it's easy, just that it's better. Example: I actually smile and sing along to the radio on the way home from school... most days.

Today we celebrated the 100th day of school.

Wow.

That means I've made it through 100 days of teaching, sometimes babysitting, my students. But really, I haven't missed a day of school yet (knock on wood!) so I've been there for every. single. last. day. And I've made it through more then 100 nights of lesson planning, research, and anxiety. 100 days is a really long time when you think about it, but then again, I can't believe that 6 months have already flown by. To commemorate this milestone, we focused all our activities around the theme of 100 days of school. In the morning we read a book about Fancy Nancy's 100th day of Kindergarten and then made 100th day of school crowns, which the whole class (including me!) wore proudly the whole day. Last night I downloaded the app agingbooth to my ipad and today I used it to take pictures of my students and turn them into old people! It was hilarious! The kids got a huge kick out of it and they were so stinking cute too! (I wish I could post some pictures but I can't post images of my students without their parent's permission...) After lunch we jumped for 100 seconds (twice!) and then counted to 100 on our hundreds charts. In the afternoon we made lists of things we would want 100 of and a list of things we would not want 100 of. My students liked making these lists and some of their answers made me laugh. About 5 of my kids said that they would want $100 and one smarty said he wanted "100,000 monies!" For things they would not want 100 of, one of my kids said skunks (which I agreed with), another student said she wouldn't want 100 clothes to which another student responded, "you need clothes silly!" Ahh 5-year-olds... After that we had centers activities all about 100 - putting 10 'scoops' [read: paint circles] of ice cream on 10 ice cream cones, using 100 stickers to fill in 100 circles, connect the dots 1-100 (yikes!), making a fruit loop necklace (which ended up being bracelets with no where near 100 fruit loops on it...oops) and a color-by-object picture for 100 objects. The kids loved it and were so good! I think their favorite activity of the day was the last one though - the 100 item snack mix. I brought in gummy bears, teddy grahams, marshmallows, m&ms, cheerios, sugar-crunch cereal squares, dots candy, goldfish, chocolate cheerios and raisins (10 snacks in all!). Each student came up and get 10 of each snack and then lined them up on their hundreds chart. When they were finished they put them into a baggie and got to take it home! It was so much fun and so yummy!

But honestly, today was a God-send. Yesterday I was doubting my effectiveness as a teacher and was extremely frustrated that my students' behaviors had seemed to stop improving. I felt like I was slipping backwards and that my students should be behaving much better by now. "When I see Mrs. Hull's students in the hallway, none of them still spin in circles the whole way to the bathroom..." "When Mrs. Carroll has a sub her students still sit quietly and do their work..." Today left me feeling much better. I got to see my students extremely engaged in an activities they enjoyed, I got to watch my students follow my directions (most of the time) and understand the rewards of following those directions (candy and fun activities!), and I got to laugh and talk with my students. The thought that lingered in my head today was much more positive than yesterday: "I wish every day could be this good."

And after more reflection I though, "Why couldn't every day be as good as this day?" I realized that the only thing stopping me from that wish was me and my administration's daily academic schedule. Although I cannot control the administration or the daily academic schedule, I can control my actions within my classroom (mostly). It is going to take a lot of effort on my part (4-hours-of-sleep nights here I come!), but I am going to try. Even then, I might not get it right, but I have to accept that that's okay. I am only a first year teacher and I need to remind myself not to compare my classroom to the classrooms of veteran teachers to harshly...they most likely had their fair share of imperfections their first year too. I can, and certainly will, strive for the same rigorous expectations as they have, I just need to learn not to beat myself up when I don't always meet those expectations. That won't help my sanity, and most importantly, it won't help my babies.

And after all, they are the reason I actually get out of bed every morning (I am NOT a morning person). No matter how crazy they drive me, no matter how many times I wonder why I do this job, no matter how many times I doubt my own abilities as a teacher, no matter how many times I feel I have failed, I can never give up. There is always a day that comes along that reminds me why I teach and why I could never be satisfied with any other job. I love my babies and I know that they love me too, it's just that sometimes the ones that need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving of ways. To the remaining days of school: bring it on.

A roller coaster of a week.

Tomorrow is a collaborative day for the Achievement School District so that means no students tomorrow! This is a good thing because it gives me more time to work on ways to make my classroom more fun, interactive, engaging, exciting, and enjoyable (for both the scholars AND me!).
This past week was long and short. It had its moments of joy and hope where I saw the possibilities of one day... One day driving home I was singing along to the radio in my loudest voice, actually smiling! But this week also had its moments of pure frustration... After dropping my scholars off to an activity right near the end of school on a particularly hair-pulling day, I walked into a colleague's classroom and broke down. After I vented for a while, she offered to pick up my scholars from their activity for me and bring them to dismissal. When I arrived at dismissal to snag my kiddos from her, she told me she didn't find them where they were supposed to be. I immediately flew into a panic wondering where my 23 precious babies could be - I rushed  crazy-eyed around the loop that makes up the halls of our school. "Have you seen my class?" "All of them?...!" "YUP." "...Um, no..." After making a full loop of the school and not seeing them anywhere, I rushed into the dismissal area to check in with my fellow kindergarten teachers to see if they new anything about my 23 missing students. Low and behold, my students were all seating in the correct areas for dismissal. I took a huge breath. I hadn't realized until then that I had been holding my breath. One of the kindergarten teachers informed me that the Dean of Lower Academy had seen my class in the hallways (the activity instructor didn't realize I would go to him to pick up my kids and so he was trying to bring them to me...) and just took them to the proper place. This situation made it very apparent to me that even though my scholars drive me absolutely insane and bring me to my breaking point nearly every day, I really do love and care for them in a deep way.
Because I care for them, but also because they are getting under my skin with their disrespect (this will be an ongoing project for a while...), my scholars came into a mostly bare classroom on Friday of this week. I decided that until my students learn to respect our things in the classroom, they will not be allowed to use them. For example, crayons are off limits for now and will be slowly re-introduced after I had to clean up crayons strewn all across my room after repeatedly raising my voice to get them to stop chucking them across the room. And I've already had two of my letter stamps stolen so that any word that has a capital "Q" or "S" is impossible to spell using the stamps. Last week we had a whole day centered on respecting ourselves, respecting others and respecting our classroom/school but I think they need to now understand that things in the classroom are a privilege and not a right. It is challenging to be responsible for teaching my students these important life lessons but it is very necessary to their success and my sanity.
Despite the challenges of this week, it is another week under my belt and each week that I make it through gives me a little more hope that I will continue to survive.
My task now is to make sure I am truly being joyful in my interactions with my students because my attitude sets the atmosphere for my classroom. I am struggling to find the right balance between being no-nonsense and being sweet and fun but I know that if I keep trying, I will get it right. I know it's okay to make mistakes as long as I learn from them (this is something I tell my students all the time..."Ms. Rossi doesn't want you to be perfect, I just want you to try your best!") but it's scary knowing that if I don't get it right, my students can and will suffer. I just need to look at it as an extra nudge of motivation to constantly be improving and finding new ways to reach and teach my wonderful, crazy students. But then there's that tricky balance between improving my teaching/polishing my lesson plans/feeling prepared and getting enough sleep... I tend to favor the direction of getting very little sleep each night and I know that I will not be able to sustain that choice for too long before I completely burn out. My goal is to get to the point where I can at least have the option of being in bed by 10pm! One day I'll write this reflective post before Midnight on Sunday... One day... just not today.

The sun is starting to peak over the horizon...

It's the eve of the first day of the 3rd week of school and I'm feeling quiet a bit better than I felt a week ago. Don't get me wrong, last week was a struggle, but it was better than the last week. On Thursday, I became so frustrated that I had to step out of my classroom to cry for a moment while a Pre-K teacher took over for 5 minutes. Needless to say, my birthday was fairly rotten [except for when my lovely boyfriend surprised me with a home-make chocolate fudge cake complete with 22 pink candles :)]. So Thursday night I thought through how I wanted, how I needed, to change things.

Then came Friday.

Friday was great. Not perfect. But MUCH MUCH better. The kids were more in control, I was more in control of my class. I changed my tone and my approach and that made a HUGE different. The atmosphere of my classroom was more fun and light. I didn't feel as though I was a dictator of my classroom, I felt like the teacher. More of my students were sent to 'take a break' in the hallway, but that allowed me to teach the rest of the students for more time. I was able to spend more time instructing because I didn't spend as much time correcting student behaviors.

It is super late now and I need to rest my head but I needed to take a moment and reflect on my second week. I hope that tomorrow and the rest of the week goes as well as Friday did. Although I am knee deep in lesson planning (the reason I'm up so late on a Sunday), I am ready, and excited, to go back to school. I had more joy on Friday and my students noticed. My goal now is to above all, always enter school and my classroom with a joyful attitude.

It's week one and I wanna quit

It's currently 12:38AM on Sunday in Memphis, Tennessee and my 5:15AM wake up time is fast approaching for the first day of the second week of school. However, I wanted...no scratch that...needed, to take a moment to reflect on my first week of teaching before my second week has a chance to begin.

I had been preparing for this day for nearly 4 years, and more specifically and deliberately for the past month. I spend countless hours in college classrooms, late nights writing lesson plans, grading tests, and preparing activities, and hours upon hours in the role of teacher, all practicing for the day when I would stand at the front of the room and teach MY class. My very own class, not someone else's, not one I shared, MINE. In the weeks after I moved to Memphis, I was finally able to see my school and my classroom. I spend a solid week prepping and preparing my classroom so that it would be ready and perfect for my students. In the final days and hours leading up to Monday August 5th, I pumped myself up and finalized my lesson plans. Sunday night I laid out my 'first day of school' outfit and could hardly sleep all night. The drive in to school on Monday morning, I was full of jitters and when I arrived at school with my final armload of things, there were already students waiting out front in their uniforms. By 7:30AM when the doors to the cafeteria opened and students started trickling in for breakfast, I was ready.

...At least I thought I was.

A few kindergartners were already crying but some were seated quietly, looking around the cafeteria with big eyes. When it was finally time to move from the cafeteria to class, my fellow kindergarten teachers and I moved our class into the hallway, criers and all, with many of the parents in tow. As I called out the names on my roster to the 60 some odd 5 year olds, it really sunk in that I had my own class, that I was on my own. After I had my students in a 'line' (5 year olds really don't know how to make a straight line...heck, some even don't know there own name, as evidenced by the fact that a good 3 students were brought to my room later on because they didn't step out of line when they heard their name.), I led them into my room.

Monday went by in a blur. It was simultaneously the fastest and slowest 6 hours ever. I felt like we had hardly gotten through anything, but at the same time I was utterly exhausted and felt as though I had been with them for 12 hours. I spend my time re-directing students, picking students up off the floor, giving students' directions, reminding students how to sit at their tables, re-explaining the directions 5 times, correcting student behavior constantly, comforting crying students, teaching students procedures for the bathroom, raising their hand, walking in the hallway, moving in the classroom, and teaching students why we don't hit other students or throw crayons, or pick at the rug. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday all passed in a similar fashion. Each day as I left school, I felt beaten down and wanted nothing more than to curl up and fall asleep. I got to know my students more as each day passed, and some parts of the day, mainly breakfast and knowing their names, got easier, but the rest stayed hard, very hard. Each day, at LEAST 15 times a day, I thought to myself, "I can't do this." "There's no way I can make it to 2:00..." "I'm not coming back tomorrow. I'm gonna quit." "I was crazy to think I could do this." "Wow. I must really suck." "All I want to do is cry." And just about every day as I drove home, I cried. Cried because I was frustrated, because I was tired, because it just plain sucked. It was harder than I had ever thought it could be. I felt like I had nothing left by the time I got home but I had to plan and prepare for the next day. And on top of all of that, I had Physical Therapy appointments twice a week.

Last week was the hardest, most exhausting, most draining, most back-breaking week of my life. Saturday I slept in until the late afternoon and woke up unmotivated and still exhausted. Driving back from Mass today, Sunday, I called my boyfriend and cried, telling him that I didn't want to go back to school on Monday. I just didn't want to face the feeling of draining defeat, extreme frustration, and enormous exhaustion for another long week. He reminded me that I am bringing a lot to the table, but I felt so defeated that I responded, "what if what I have to offer sucks?" And I honestly thought that.

There is no way to truly describe or explain the huge heartache and headache that was my first week of teaching. To feel like I was useless and to fight frustration for 6 hours straight every day left me feeling dejected and emptied of all fire. I wish I could tell you that I am ready and excited for next week, but I can't honestly say that I'm there yet. But ready or not, the second week is here. Ready or not, I am the teacher of 21 kindergartners. So, whether I feel it or not, I must be ready. For the love of my students I will wake up tomorrow. For the love of my students, I will fight my frustration and exhaustion. For the love of my students, I will re-en-kindle a fire within me whenever it threatens to go out. For the love of my students, I will work tirelessly each night to find a way to reach them, each and every last one of them. For the love of my students, I will smile when the only thing I want to do is cry. For the love of my students, I will teach. Each and every morning I will wake up and I will teach, all for the love of my students.

A new year, a new you...

Here we are once again. A new year is upon us and just like every year, we are making promises to ourselves, resolutions to become skinner and healthier, master another language, learn to play an instrument, work on our sports skills, become better in our faith life, stop being so angry, do better in school. The new year finds us all with grand plans of becoming better, "new and improved" people.
This is all well and good of course, we should desire to improve ourselves, in fact, God asks us to do just that. But there is a problem. The world we live in today places an exaggerated focus on change. Somehow, change has come to be in many ways synonymous with happiness. Change the number on the scale if you want to be happy. Change your clothes if you want to be happy. Change the way you act if you want to be happy. Change, change, change. It's no wonder then that Obama won the election for President. He said the word change and that's all America had to hear. But all joking aside, come new years, even people who wouldn't normally join the mob start chanting "Change, change, change!" right along with everyone else. Why? What is it that makes us feel like we need to change because another year has come and gone? Maybe we don't like what we see when we look in the mirror. Perhaps we desperately wish we were better or more talented. Or it could be that we think ourselves boring. But whatever the motivation, people make resolutions every new year, and I would suggest that it is not necessarily a good tradition.
The resolutions we make for the new year often distract us from a very important fact. The fact that God loves us just as we are, slightly chubby, with out-dated clothes and imperfect German. Now you might be wondering, "Didn't you say God wants us to improve ourselves?" Absolutely He does. However, He also loves us unconditionally no matter where we are in life. He died as much for the sinner as for the saint. His love knows no bounds. So this year, resolve to love yourself, exactly where you are. Go ahead and make other resolutions too, like going to the gym to stay in shape or making prayer a greater priority in your daily life, but be patient with yourself. Rest easy in the knowledge that even if you fail, God will always love you. The important thing is that you tried, just trust God.
This new years, I will pray that every person comes to know that no matter what, they are loved unconditionally by God for exactly who they are. Not what they have done or have failed to do, not for who they will become, but for who they are right now. Unchanged and imperfect though we are, He loves us with a love beyond all human understanding. (Here's a song that expresses that beautifully - click here to listen to it!) Change shouldn't be the focus of each new year, rather, thanksgiving for the love of God renewed year after year after year. And for me, that's a reason to shout Happy New Year!!!

May God bless you and keep you now and always!
<3 Emily

This is Beautiful : )

Over Easter Break PC's campus burst into bloom and when we came back, we got to see PC in all it's flowery glory. The beauty was truly breath taking. Just walking from class to class became an enjoyable task. As the sun shone down brightly and the tree branches, all in bloom, gently swayed in the breeze, I can say I was completely content. For me, these sunny days were the perfect conclusion to what has been an absolutely wonderful year. It's crazy to flip through my planner and see that I only have two weeks left of my freshman year. Time really does fly when you're having fun. And that's exactly how I would describe my experience at PC, fun. The people I've met, the experiences I've had, the classes I've taken, the clubs I've joined ... basically everything about my first year here at PC has changed me and taught me something, and to me, that's fun, that's happiness.
Happiness. I've learned so much about that word this year. Because of my experiences and interactions I've had this year, I've come up with a new definition of happiness. It's a definition that is impossible to describe with words, it is something that must be experienced or witnessed to be truly understood. But when you do see it or experience it, it is something so beautiful. One of the experiences that really showed me happiness in a new light was the R.C.I.A. mass that took place Sunday, April 18th at the 7:00 mass. In the days leading up to the mass, I grew more and more excited, for all the other candidates, even though I didn't know most of them all that well. The night of the mass, the chapel was brightly lit and wonderfully decorated. The choir began to sing as students and families continued to come in, filling the chapel almost to capacity. Even before the procession began, I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. There was something truly beautiful about seeing young adults readily commit themselves to God. I just couldn't contain the happiness and excitement in my heart so the tears flowed down my cheeks as the smile on my face grew. After the baptism, the confirmation and Holy Communion, I cried again. As I myself received Jesus in the Eucharist, the tears will still fresh on my cheeks, but the smile had not vanished for a minute. The happiness of the candidates was contagious. They were absolutely radiant with happiness and the grace of God. Even after mass was over I cried, the happiness was just too much for me to contain. The joy and happiness I felt for all the candidates was indescribable, and seeing that joy and happiness brought about by God's grace mirrored on their face and in their every action, was more than enough for me. It was one of the most beautiful, most moving, most joyous experiences I have ever had.
I discovered a wonderful song ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4eLw3ZTFjg )only a week ago and although the song is most likely written in a secular sense of boy-loves-girl, it is easily and wonderfully converted to a love song from us to God. Listening to it that way, it serves as a reminder of how beautiful our relationship with God is and just how blessed we are to have Him love us in the completely unconditional way He does. It is my prayer that you realize how much you are truly and unconditionally loved and that you remember every day to seek the beauty in all things, because this, life, really is beautiful. <3

Ordinary is extraordinary

So, once again it's been a while since I last posted anything. But things have been crazy at PC ... exams, homework, papers galore ... oh the fun! Thankfully things have gone into a bit of a lull in terms of work, but I know it will pick up eventually. But another thing was keeping me from posting. I felt like I didn't have anything to write about. It isn't that I don't ever do anything interesting or fun, it's just that I couldn't think of anything worth posting. Everything I could think of was fairly normal and predictable. But then, it just hit me. It doesn't matter that my life seems ordinary to me, because even if it is, it's my life and that makes it special. My life is the one God has had planned for me since before I was born, and I'm the only one who can live my life the way God intended. I think this is something we forget all to easily. Living in a world full of glorified superstars whose lives seem to be anything but ordinary, people forget that ordinary can be good. In fact, in many cases, ordinary is better. When I wake up in the morning, I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes think to myself, "Man. I'm nothing special. I'm not pretty or anything, but man! I wish I was." This way of thinking is brought about by today's image obsessed media. Too many people, including myself, are often caught up in how they look, what they wear, and whether they're cool enough. I'm not saying everyone should walk around looking like a slob because they no longer care how they look. But I am saying that less attention should be placed on how we look, because in the end, it doesn't really matter. What it truly comes down to is who we are on the inside. So let's bring the focus back to the real person. It's not what we wear or how we look that determines who we are, it's what's on the inside, how we treat others, how we treat ourselves, what we think, what we do, that's the stuff that we're made of. And each and every person was created by God to be the unique, beautiful person that only they can be. In today's world where ordinary is synonymous with boring and uncool, we need to work tirelessly to show people that you don't have to dress as crazy as Lady GaGa or look as beautiful as Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie to be extraordinary. To be extraordinary you just have to be yourself, whoever that is. Just look at the word, extra-ordinary ... God doesn't want you to be someone you aren't, that's not what He created you for. He created you to be the extraordinary ordinary person you are. So be nothing more and nothing less than your very self, I can guarantee you'll be happy you did. <3

Valentine's Day!

Well, it's here, that age old holiday ... valentine's day. February 14th evokes different emotions for each person. Some people flat out hate it, either because they think it's over commercialized or because it reminds them they are 'alone' (hello Singles Awareness Day, aka SAD). For others, they love it and go all out, with sappy cards, candle-lit dinners, fancy gifts and hearts galore. This is not to say there isn't a happy medium of an impartiality of sorts, there is. Where do I stand you may ask. Somewhere in the midst of everything. But as I stand there in the middle of the crazy rush, I watch all the people swirl by and I'm struck by some of the things I see. Some of the people I see are so 'in love' that they can't take their eyes (or hands) off each other long enough to make sure their relationship is built on something stable. Some throw themselves into the fray, clinging to their new found love while still looking back to their friends. Others are perfectly content to watch people spin off into the crazy cycle of love, but others aren't quite so accepting. I see some people who stand off to the side, the look of longing in their eyes speaks of a deep sadness and sense of being left all alone. As the madness continues to swirl past my heart goes out to every person I see. For those whose relationship isn't built on something that will last, I wish they would realize that a relationship is so much more than a physical attraction, it's about a deep, long lasting friendship. My heart sings for those who have found a best friend and are now in love with them and I wish them all the best. I applaud those able to stand by and patiently wait for The One, I know their patience will be rewarded. Those who are lonely and feel left out, who feel like a hopeless case, my heart breaks for them. I wish I could tell them to be patient, that The One will come eventually, and that in the meantime, there is a love that will sustain them and never leave them. That is God's love. It is always present. Every day of our lives, God is there, loving us every step of the way. It's too bad that so many people are so caught up in being in a relationship and that it seems the only way to be fulfilled is by having a boyfriend or girlfriend. We can't forget that God's love is really the only thing that will completely satisfy us. No relationship can give us true happiness unless God has a place in that relationship too. On this valentine's day I hope you've been told that you are loved, because you need to know that you are. You are always loved. In fact, you are loved by the very one who created you, how amazing is that!? Know that in His great love for us, God has created a plan for each and every person. We need to trust in His boundless love and mercy, He will not neglect us. Even when you feel doomed to be an old spinster, a crazy cat lady or a old and lonely man, don't give up hope. God will guide you to exactly where you are suppose to be. We should never forget how loved we are ... but too often, we do. So if you're feeling alone, unwanted or unloved this valentine's day (or any other day of the year for that matter) know that there is someone who loves you, someone whose love will never falter, never fail, never end. To God, every day might as well be valentine's day because every day He shows us just how much He loves us. And that should be more than enough.
<3

The snow's here!

Today is a good day. Outside the snow is falling and sitting in the library in campus ministry sipping my tea, I feel pretty happy. Today PC canceled all classes, I got to sleep in and just now, as it approaches 3 o'clock, I'm getting settled in to work on some homework. Watching the snow fall wet and cold from the sky I am reminded of my childhood. Running around outside in my snowsuit, laughing and catching snowflakes on my tongue, sledding and making snow angels with my sisters. I look back fondly on the events of my younger years and half of me wishes I could go back to the good old days. The days of no homework, more sleep and just being carefree. But, as much as I would enjoy sleeping and having no big responsibilities, I wouldn't trade in what I have now for any of that. I used to look forward to the future in fear and wish I could stay a child forever. Now I see the folly of my childish wishes. I love my college life. It wouldn't be complete without the long nights of homework, and little sleep. But my friends and I still find ways to act like children again. Whether it's throwing food at each other at dinner, telling silly jokes or watching disney movies and singing along with all the songs, we find a way to release the child in us. The life I lead now is nothing like what it envisioned it would be, but I absolutely love it! Sometimes we find that God's plans for us are ten million times better than our wildest dreams. Sitting here in campus ministry, like I do so many times a week, I find that my reality is better than my dreams, perhaps that's why I don't sleep anymore. . .